Mario 64 is the worst game on the planet. It's a completely ludicrous and unfathomably terrible game, yet it has somehow captured the hearts of millions of gamers over the years. If you don't believe me when I say that Mario 64 sucks, just ask yourself how you could possibly have fun playing as a plumber who can only move in eight directions while jumping from one platform to another. The answer is very simple: Mario games are not supposed to make sense. They're meant for kids because they're meant to be stupid. You know what else? Let's talk about Bowser. He's the villain, right? Well, where does he come from? What is his deal? Why do people hate him so much? When did we start hating him? And why does everybody seem to want to kill him? There are other questions that need answers too! Like, why are there multiple worlds in this game? And what does it mean if you see a purple mushroom? And what exactly is up with those weird little mushrooms that pop out of nowhere every now and then? These are all very important questions, but I'm sure you already knew that. We've been over this before. But let's not forget our friends Toad and Luigi! They don't do anything either! They're just here to help Mario get the heck out of whatever crazy situation they find themselves in! Sure, they're technically playable characters, but Mario would never let them do anything by themselves. No way, Jose! That's like asking the pope to baptize himself.

But back to the game. So, yeah, it's easy to see why Mario 64 might look really cool and exciting at first glance. After all, this is a Nintendo game, so it's obviously going to be awesome. How could it not be? But the truth is that Mario 64 is a really bad game. The graphics are subpar, the controls are awful, and the whole thing is just boring. At least the music is decent. But even that isn't enough to save this one. It's hard to describe precisely why Mario 64 sucks so badly because it doesn't suck in any conventional sense. It's just that there's no real reason to play it.